


If I Could Fly

by cashuismydog



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, No Smut, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 13:02:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 13,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30072669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashuismydog/pseuds/cashuismydog
Summary: ***FINISHED***Pain, sorrow, depression. It's all the superstar has known except the buzz of shows when he can actually be himself. Even that's fake sometimes. You probably have a question, why? Why is he so depressed, why can't he find happiness? He has everything, a mansion for a house, about five luxury cars and millions of dollars just sitting in the bank account along with a successful career. Well the British lad can only give you one answer.Louis Tomlinson.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 6





	1. A/N

Hi Loves! So this is my first Fanfic. I will tell you right now it does not have a happy ending. This fic is mature, it contains strong language, self harm, and suicide. So please be careful. I'm very exited to be writing this! I've had this idea for months now and here it is. 

If you like to read stories on Wattpad more than here I actually started writing this on Wattpad and am transfering it here, this is my account: cashuismydog 

Because it is my first it might be shit, I know I have weak spots and strong spots so tell me how to improve things. 

Que the warnings so I don't get sued or whatever 

I do not own any of the following characters. This book is purely fiction and is meant for entertainment purposes only. All I own in this book is the writing so please do not publish this anywhere else or in a different language without asking me. As I have already mentioned this book will contain suicide and self harm, so please if that triggers you in any way, please do not read this.

Thank you my loves and I hope you enjoy it :)


	2. Falling (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song- Falling-Harry Styles

Here I am, in my bed, with no one here, but today, I blame myself, and not the drink in my hands. Hi, I'm Harry Styles, and this is my story.

My life in a nutshell, make songs, go on stage, perform while acting like i'm having the best time of my life, I won't lie, it is fun at times, come home, and be weighed down by loneliness. You would think that after being free from my awful management that all the suffering would stop, the aching pain would stop, the pretending would stop, but no, nothing ever really changes does it?

I am one of the biggest singers in the world and yet, I'm the worst I've ever been. You're probably thinking what has made me so miserable, the only answer I can give you is one word. Love.

Love. Something that should be beautiful, something that should give you butterflies in your stomach, something that makes you feel unstoppable, you feel on top of the world, but no, not for me, at least not now. Years ago if you asked me what love is, I would be the biggest expert on it, but today, I don't know a damn thing.

The culprit of my lonesome is one person and one person only.

Louis Tomlinson.

Yeah, that's right, my old bandmate, the one that I was so close with, the one that made me believe in love. He ruined me, so much and I don't even think he knows. A few years ago, he was all I needed, he was my world, my soul, he owned my heart, but it all came tumbling down, and here I am.

Let's go back 10 years ago shall we, and I'll tell you my story.


	3. Isn't she lovely (Past)

September 19, 2010

I am so nervous, I'm auditioning for x factor, I guess I should introduce myself, I'm Harry Styles, I'm 16 years old, and I'm in a band named White Eskimo.

I look around where I'm sitting, I see my sister Gemma, my mom Anne, my dad Robin, and the other auditioners.

I'm up after the next two auditions and I'm close to shitting my pants. This could be it, my shining time, the time I get the spotlight, maybe after this my life will change. Or maybe they will say I suck and send me home and forget about me in two seconds. Honestly, I think they will go with the ladder, but hey, a guy can dream right.

I barely realize when time passes and the people backstage are telling me I'm up. I get to the side of the stage and hug my mom, Gemma, my dad, and head out to the crowd.

The second I get there, I am faced at good ol' Simon Cowel, Nicole Scherzinger and Louis Walsh.

"Hello" I get out.

"Hi" Simon greets, "What's your name"

"I'm Harry Styles. And I'm 16 years old" I say.

"Alright Harry, tell me about yourself." The intimidating man asks.

"I work in a bakery," I say.

We got into the usual small talk. I played it as cool as I could. If I was close to pissing myself, no one had to know.

"I'm going to be singing 'Isn't she lovely' by Stevie Wonder." I say.

"Alright then, good luck."

"Thank you."

I was so nervous during this whole conversation, but I caught my breath and started singing.

When I finished, I thought I did an okay job. I just hope that I was able to convince the judges.

"Alright, Nicole?" Simon asks.

"Well I'm really glad we had the opportunity to hear you acapella cause we could really hear how great your voice is, for 16 years old you have a really great voice." Nicole praises.

"Thank you." I say, as a wave of relief passes through me.

"I think you don't have enough experience or confidence yet." Louis says.

"Okay." I say, but the second he says that, my heart sinks to my stomach, and I pray to every god out there that Simon is feeling nice today.

Then Simon speaks, "I think I heard someone in the audience say rubbish and I totally agree with you."

When Simon says that, my body gets so excited that I barely even know what he says after. I just know it's good so I say thank you.

He asks Louis his thoughts and Louis of course says no. Thankfully, Nicole says yes and my future is now set on one of the scariest people on the planet.

"And you'll be happy to hear that I am agreeing with Nicole." Simon says happily.

Right then and there, I gave the biggest smile my face could conjure up, dimples and all. I was so happy. I went to my family and gave my mum a giant hug then the others after. This might be the happiest day of my life.


	4. Oops! Hi! (Past)

After my audition was finished, I decided to go to the washroom. I go in there and start doing my business. Once I finish, I go to wash my hands, I hear the door open, but I don't look up. When I turn to get a napkin to dry my hands, I bump into someone pretty hard.

"Oops!" I say, very embarrassed and I'm sure I'm blushing like a tomato, I've always been a clumsy person.

"Hi" says the person next to me. "Sorry, I'm really clumsy." I say, "Its alright." He smiles. I go around him and dry my hands. While I dry my hands he starts talking while fixing himself up in the mirror, probably going to audition.

"I saw your audition on the screen, congrats." He starts.

"Thanks man, it was nerve racking but I somehow made it, are you auditioning too?" I ask.

"Yeah actually I am, It's in about 20 minutes so i'm just fixing me self up. "

"Cool, what are you gonna sing?" While we were talking, I couldn't help myself and I checked the lad out, and I gotta say, he's hot.

"I'm gonna sing 'Hey Delilah' I'm sure you've heard of it, a pretty popular song." He says while brushing out his fringe. His accent very thick.

"Yeah of course, who doesn't." And I wasn't lying, it was one of the most popular songs ever played.

"I'm sure you know my name if you saw my audition but I'm Harry, you?" I ask.

He chuckles and blushes? It's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen. "Sorry, I'm Louis, Louis Tomlinson." He turned around to shake my hand and I returned it and I finally got to get a good look at his face. During my subtle check out of the lad, I look at his bright blue icy eyes.

When our eyes meet, blue icy eyes meets green, we stare at each other. I don't even know what's happening, but I don't stop it. We stayed there for less than a minute though it felt like an eternity. We break our intense gaze when Louis' phone rings. We break our eye lock and both blush, he checks his phone and tells me that his audition is in five minutes and has to go out. I nod and quickly wish him luck. He rushes out of the bathroom and when he's gone, I wonder. What the heck just happened.

I get out of the bathroom and I find my family.


	5. Memories (Present)

Memories.

One of the most powerful things in the world. Whether good or bad, they can kill you. They're something that sum up your whole life, something that you can treasure in the deep thoughts of your mind. When someone leaves, it isn't the pain of them leaving that hurts the most, it's the memories they leave behind. All the good times and the bad. All the highs and the lows. When someone comes into your life, you don't just look forward to getting to know them, you look forward to making amazing memories with them. You make this space in your mind for that specific person. That space fills up with the moments you spent with them.

We keep these memories until the end of our life. Sure, as we get older, these memories start to fade away, but not the ones that you spent with the dearest person in your life. That one soul that became yours. The one person that knew you better than yourself. That one human being that was a fool for you, and you were a fool for them. That sweet creature that made your heart flutter when they entered a room. The love of your life. Your soulmate.

That's what he was. My soulmate. My one and only. My happily ever after. But my happily ever after didn't come. No. It was replaced by the lonesomeness of my cold dead apartment. My soulless place that is what I now must call home. But it's not. It's not my home. My home is that one ball of sunshine. The one who stole my heart and never gave it back. It's a funny innit, we give this person our whole heart, our whole body, our soul, and somehow trust them to keep it safe. We believe in them enough that we give them everything, even if it all ends in heartbreak. The worst part. We don't know what our life leads to. Our heart being taken away and never being given back. Or a life that contains sunshines, the life that ends with a happily ever after. So why do we give them everything to take care of. We give them everything for one reason and one reason only. Love. Love can be frightening.

But even love can end. We think that love is something that never has an ending, but it does. Or at least, that's what happened to me.

"Why did he leave me" I ask with tears in my eyes. "Why wasn't I good enough, why was she better than me."

"I loved you" I whispered in the dead of night.

"I still I love you"


	6. WE DID IT (Past)

Soon enough, we were going to be told if we made it through or not. We got through all the auditions and bootcamp, now, it's just a matter of if you are good enough to actually be here. Me and Louis had spent some time together, and became pretty good friends, he's actually really funny, and loud, but that's alright, I like him. Honestly sometimes I get scared that these feelings might be turning into something else. I am not a person to label myself, so If people ask I just say unlabeled, but I do know that I like men for sure, if that was confirmed because of a certain blue eyed boy named Louis, no one needs to know.

Anyways, we were at the day we would find out and I was nervous as hell. Louis said that no matter what, we would still be friends, and I made myself promise him that. Even though it's only been a few weeks, the two of us are very close, and if I ever lose him, I would be so bad off.

Simon called all the boys in to find out who was selected. I heard him tell us that we are all talented and great singers but there were just some people that caught their eye blah blah blah.. My heart is beating so fast. I hear him call out a couple names, my heart drops even more into my chest when I hear a name that is not mine.

He finished. He didn't call my name. I want to go home, curl up in a ball, and cry. I really thought I could be something, that this was my time. But no. I walked out of the room with the other rejected contestants that included my Lou. He looked so sad, I tried to keep the waterworks at bay but nothing would stop them. Now, I was full on crying, and of-fucking-course, the stupid cameraman had to shove his stupid camera right into my face asking "How I was feeling" I want nothing more than to shove up the camera up his non-existent as-

"Harry sweetie, we heard what happened, are you okay my love?" I look up and see my mum, Gemma and step-dad coming over to me. As soon as she's close enough, I fall into her and start crying.

"Oh baby, It's okay, you tried hun, don't worry, it'll be okay." I hear my mum telling me sweet things that just make me cry harder.

I finally managed to stop sobbing when I heard mine, Louis's, three other boy's names that got rejected with us, and a few girls' names. They asked us to come to the front stage and my heart was pounding in my chest. What could they possibly want now.

"Alright," Simon says once we're all on stage, "We have decided something that we are going to do." I'm standing in a group of five boys, one that I remember as Zayn because he refused to dance at boot camp but came eventually, and the other two. One was blonde and I know he had an Irish accent cause he's a loud talker, and one had straight, almost long brown hair, and the last one is my dear friend Louis.

"We have decided that you guys might not have made it solo, but we think that you guys have a talent that should not be thrown away." Simon decides, my heart about to explode. "So, what is going to happen is you guys are going to be two groups and will be going on in the competition."

The second he says that, we all cheer and jump into each others arms despite the fact that we are pretty much strangers. Then, lastly, Lou comes to me and jumps into my arms. I hold him up with my arms under his legs and hold him so tight. I really can't believe it. I'm in the competition in a band that includes Louis!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves. I will tell you right now that onward there will be a lot of time jumps and the chapters will alternate from present and past. Its just the way I thought this book could grasp my idea so yea. Hope you enjoyed this and my story.


	7. Friends (Present)

We make friends as a form of connecting to people. Someone that's not related to us, rather we make them related to us. Whether it's someone so close to you you can call them a sibling, or a simple acquaintance for when we need a drink. We need them. Imagine a life without your friends, having no one to talk to except your siblings if you have any, or your snobby parents that don't understand anything.

I have the most amazing sister, but sometimes, she's not what I need. When I was younger, I always wanted a brother to talk about guy stuff with. I might not have been born with one, but I grew up to have three of them. Even if I can't talk to them as much anymore, I love them with all my heart. I grew up with them. Even if one of them left us when we needed him the most, we know why he did it. He did it for himself. And sometimes, that's exactly what you need in life.

The names of those brothers are Niall, Liam, and Zayn. People think that because I don't interact with them on social media that I don't love them anymore. How could I not? They mean so much to me and got me through so many rough times. We have been through so much together. We faced Simon together. Not once did we not defend each other in his office. The place we used to dread most. But sometimes, I think that even they left me. I might have lost the singular soul that was and is my everything to this day, but I always thought that they would stay with me. I guess I was wrong. Cause we've come to the point where if we talk, it's them calling once every few months and me never calling cause I can't, I met never get that freedom. And Zayn? He said that me and him didn't talk during the band in a stupid interview. I know that management most likely made him say that, but it's just hard to think about sometimes.

When we were young, we didn't even know where we would have ended up in the year 2020. I remember in an interview, Louis said to Zayn that they should bike all around the world in 2020 and that they'll see each other there. Well, look how that ended up.

We didn't want this to happen, but it just did. We lost each other. When no one was there for us, we were there for each other. We were more than just band-mates, or co-workers, we were family. I guess no one knows what i'm going through right now, cause I need them, I really fucking need them. I need my brothers. And they aren't here. Possibly never will.


	8. First date (Past)

We have been a band for a couple of months now. In these months, we had many performances as a band together. We are officially the last three finalists for this year of X-Factor, I think we can win this. It was an amazing feeling when Simon said that we were official after our first performance together, and It was an even better feeling when Louis asked me out on a date.

THAT'S RIGHT, LOUIS TOMLINSON ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP

When he asked me that, butterflies erupted in my stomach, my world stopped, I could barely breathe, my heart was beating so fast, and literally a million more cliche things I could possibly think of. On our first date, he took me to a small quiet restaurant so people wouldn't see us. When we finished our dinner that consisted of a lot of flirting and blushing, he got me some ice cream and we ate it while taking a stroll in the park holding hands. It was probably the best night of my whole entire existence.

We didn't kiss yet even though I really wanted to, I could kinda tell he wanted to as well, but I wanted to take this slow, and he understood. I was so relieved when I told him that and he was completely fine with it. I was taking things slow because he was my first relationship and I didn't want to screw it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that my chapters are like so short and it might get confusing with the time jumps but I put present and past in the title so I hope that helps a bit. Thank you for reading!


	9. Princess park (Past)

We lost. We lost X-Factor. That really hurt. But I guess it's okay, me and the boys had already decided beforehand that no matter what, we were gonna stay together as a band. So maybe I will have a career after all. Louis was exactly what I needed right now. The night it happened, we cuddled the whole night, well more like all five of us cuddled together but with me and Lou just a bit closer to each other. It was a hard night for all of us, but in these few months, these boys have become a part of me. We were like long lost brothers. Well except for me and Lou, that's kinda nasty.

Anyways, Simon saw how close me and Lou were so he decided that we should move in together! He doesn't know that we went on a date but that never hurt anyone right?

Me and Louis were moving our stuff all around our apartment called Princess park. Pretty much everything was unpacked and now we were decorating it. Lou told me that he was making us a special dinner, which I was skeptical about because he is not the best cook in the world. But it's alright, let's just hope he doesn't burn the house down.

When it was time to eat he didn't tell me what he was making but it was something with chicken, parma ham, and potatoes. I took a picture of him while he was chopping something up and posted it on twitter with the caption, "Louis' first ever cooking experience ;)"

I left the room so he could focus on dinner, but barely lasted two minutes before I got bored. So I sneaked into the kitchen without him noticing and wrapped my arms around him from behind. "AHH" He got so scared that he fell and took me down with him.

I was on top of him, he was panting really hard because of the surprise attack and he's never looked more hot. He was under me looking right into my eyes when his breathing evened out. God I want to kiss him so bad. I've been putting it off for a more special moment. But I didn't think I could hold it in. We stared into each other's eyes for God knows how long until he whispered,

"Haz..."

I couldn't take it anymore and gently pushed our lips together in a soft kiss. No matter how soft it was, fireworks erupted within me. I was in heaven, on cloud nine, I had never felt this way and probably never will. After a couple of seconds of gentle kissing, we pulled away in need of a breath, and he pierced his eyes into mine.

"I've been waiting for that for so long."

"Me too Boobear, me too." I chuckled.

"Come on baby, get up" He chuckled, "I need to check on the food, it's gonna burn."

"Way to ruin the moment, lou" I grumbled while sitting up and putting on the cutest pout I could muster up.

"Hey look at me." He whispered softly, while curling his finger under my chin, forcing me to stare into his sky like eyes.

"Thank you" I looked at him with a confused face. "For what?" I asked. "Just everything, you are amazing my love." I looked down with a hint of a blush on my cheeks. God I was head over heels for this boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol this is probably so shit now that I'm reading it again...oh well :)


	10. He just left... (Present)

He left me. My Boobear, my one love, my soulmate, my happily ever after left me, forever. What happened? We were so happy, we dreamed of getting married, having kids together, Being free...

We had it all planned out, the day we got out of our wretched management team and that monster Simon Cowell, we would come up and take a break from the music, the fame, the world pretty much. We would use this break to just be with each other, to not worry about someone seeing us, or Simon coming in and telling us to separate. Me and Loulou even knew where we were going to go, which hotel, exactly how long it was going to be, and everything we would do there, well not everything, some other stuff does not require planning if you know what I mean.

Anyways, we weren't close to that time, we didn't even make it until then...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit these chapters are so short, I like never noticed on wattpad for some reason. Anyways i hope you are liking it.


	11. Changes (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Changes-Cam

Change

We might love it, hate it. Pretty much depends on what the change is. I lost the love of my life. It was an awful change that I probably will never get over. I get panic attacks every time something goes wrong because he's not their to help me through it. The change of me believing that I had someone that loves me wholeheartedly and will never leave. I used to wake up in the morning while being in the strong arms of my lover. Now the cold of my bed welcomes me when I'm forced to start the day. Of Course with my job it's hard to be fully sane. Cameras everywhere, you have to give the best smile that you can or else your fans will know something and then management will be up my ass for not trying enough.

I'm fucked up, I know it. How could I not, I thought my heart would never break and that nothing would change, until everything did. We think that the good parts of our lives will always stay with us, and that all the sorrows, our problems, anything that doesn't go our way is just temporary. Well we're wrong, sometimes our good times turn into better times, or maybe our sorrows get fixed and we don't have to look back. Or maybe, our sorrows never go away, instead, they take over your life and never want to part with you. It may be because of many things all at once that never go away, or maybe it's that one phone call that can change your life, or maybe it's just losing yourself together and never coming back. Maybe, just maybe it was because of that one person that was the reason you woke up in the morning, the reason why you're still fighting in this cruel world, that person that you had a smile that was reserved for them and only them. You never know what life can lead us too, maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's bad, again, we never know.

All I know is that everything changes, it does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves! So I decided to give you one more calm chapter before the drama begins. Its gonna start explaining everything that happens in Louis' and Harry' POV although you probably have an idea of what happened. Im kinda feeling like I should just post this in one page cause the chapters are literally so short.


	12. The First Time. (Past)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER!?"

"Now now Louis we don't want to shout at uncle Simon do we?"

"Shut up, and don't you dare call yourself uncle Simon, how dare you tell us we cant be together. We came here with confidence that you would accept us for who we are. We would have understood if maybe you wanted us to come out slowly or something but this is beyond inappropriate."

"Oh shut up, you two need two need to get over this stupid and might i add disgust-"

"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU SO EVEN DARE TO FINISH THAT SENTENCE I WILL NOT HESITATE TO PUNCH YOU SQUARE IN THE FACE"

"Lou, please stop, you're scaring me" Harry sobbed. The poor boy had been crying the second Simon dropped the bomb, and now with his lover shouting and showing a side no one has ever seen, the curly lad was terrified.

"Hey hey, I'm sorry love," Louis says cupping Harry's cheeks softly. "How bout we go outside and cool off a bit okay? I'll come back later and talk to Simon." The sobbing boy nodded his head softly and followed Louis out the door, not before Louis sent his demon of a manager a death glare.

When they both got outside of the horrid room, Harry started sobbing even more, nuzzling his head in Louis' neck, wetting the skin there. "I'm here baby, everything's gonna be okay alright?" Louis assured softly, rubbing his poor boys back in hopes of calming him down, "How Louis, Simon said we have to-" "Shhhhh no love, none of that, i'm not leaving you okay? I promise love, I promise"

Harry was showing no signs of calming down, so Louis decided to just go to their shared home and talk to Simon the next day.

He tried to convince Harry to start walking to the car, but the green eyed baby boy could barely hear a thing over his loud sobs. Louis decided that he would just pick Harry up, once he did, Harry wrapped his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist while keeping his head stuffed in Louis' neck. They got home safely and as soon as Louis closed the door, Harry broke into sobs again. "Im sorry, Im sorry, please don't hate me." The poor boy begged. "Hey it's alright lovely, you have nothing to be sorry for. Try to calm down baby, this much crying is not good for you." Harry eventually calmed down enough so he could stand up with a bit of Louis help and was able to change his clothes into something more comfortable than his skinny jeans. He wanted to take a shower and calm down a bit but he was so weak with all his sobbing. He went downstairs to find Louis making some tea.

Both boys finished their tea in a comfortable silence while cuddled up on the couch with the tv playing softly in the background. Harry put down his cup on the table and sat in Louis' lap, straddling Louis with his arms wrapped around the dominant boy and face nuzzled in his neck. Nothing sexual, just comforting and holding each other after an eventful day. "How are you feeling love?" Louis asked while rubbing Harry's back, breaking the comforting silence. Harry merely shrugged, honestly what was left to say?

"Do you love me lou?" Harry asked in a tiny voice, cracking a bit. "Of course sweets, why would you even question that?" I answered immediately. "Cause I don't know what's gonna happen to us and I want to make sure." Harry said while his voice is cracking. "Hey, nothing will change, you hear me? Absolutely nothing." I reassured "Louis, can I ask you something, and please consider it." He offered. "Anything baby, what is it?" I said. "Can..Can you make.." he sighs "Can you make love to me?" Louis was shocked to say the least, Harry always wanted to take things slow, and yeah they've been dating for months and already told each other the L word many times, but Louis didn't exactly expect this. "I thought you wanted to take it slow baby." Louis said softly, kissing his boyfriend's forehead lightly. "I'm ready, I promise Lou, I just don't want our first time to be when we are broken up or something, but I promise you I was gonna tell you I'm ready for like a month." Harry murmured softly into Louis' neck. He wasn't lying, he was ready, he was thinking about it for the last month and decided it was time.

Louis answered about a minute later, his thoughts filling his brain, "Is this about Simon? Cause he won-" "No no no," Harry immediately mumbled, cutting me off. Well not really, I just want this night to be special for us, We don't know what the future holds so I just want us to have one night to ourselves, no one else." Harry said passionately, finally looking into those oh so beautiful blue eyes.

"Are you absolutely sure cupcake? I wouldn't be able to stand it if you aren't ready and you think that this is needed." Louis asked, he was always so caring for Harry, the same goes the other way around. They were both protective of each other, the beautiful thing about their relationship is that they don't even have a dominant or submissive, they are always able to protect the other and still be the small baby that needs caring by their lover. When Louis isn't feeling great, Harry is always there to hold him at night, and vice versa. Of course, there is always the fact that Harry has anxiety, so Louis spends a lot of the time doing the holding, but, he doesn't care, he knows that if he needs to be held, Harry would do it in a split second. They have been dating for months, they said their I love you's 3 months in, they have yet to do anything sexual aside from the classic blow or hand job, that's why Louis is so worried about this, but when he looks at those green orbs full of truth and sincerity, he knows harry is ready. "Yeah babe, please make love to me." Harry whispers whilst kissing Louis' jaw. "Okay." Louis picks Harry and Harry wraps around him like a koala. Louis leads them to their shared room and gently lays his lover on the soft cloud of a mattress.

That night, they made love on their soft bed. It wasn't rough or hard, no, it was beautiful. Both boys sharing their love for each other and not holding back. They made each other feel wanted, and they knew that they would be okay. Well maybe they won't, only time will tell. For tonight, all they know is each other and their love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...That was like the cheesiest thing ever but I had like no idea how to do this chapter so it ended up like this...yikes. Anyways let's just all collectively forget I wrote the last part cause it's cringy as fuck :) At least the chapter actually is long enough to be considered a chapter.


	13. Club G-A-Y (Past)

We were heading to the club. Harry by my side, we didn't let Simon ruin the day after the night we had, we just ignored him. We had a couple drinks, a bit past tipsy but that's fine. We had a cake and it was dropped and slobered among all of us, smothered in cake. It was probably the best day I've had in awhile. Who knew it would change so quickly to turn into the worst of my life.

We were all drinking. I had a bit more than I should've I guess and totally forgot about what Simon did yesterday so when he asked me to hop on a plane I just went with it. We got on the plane and arrived in LA and I was slowly growing my concensness back. I remembered, I remembered everything, I need to leave, where's haz? 

"Hey dimwit" I called out to the devil himself as the plane starts to land. "Excuse me Louis, that is no way to talk to me!" He exclaims, oh if only I could punch him right now. "Shut it, wheres haz and why the fuck am I here?" I started getting up as the plane had finished landing, a bit tipsy from the drinks but I managed to sober up a bit on the plane."That's not important right now so shut your mouth and follow me." "Whatever" I mumbled under my breath, rolling my eyes as anger took over me once again.

-*-*-

We arrive at Simon's office and he throws a stack of papers in front of me on the desk. "Sign these." He rolled out from his hell hole of a mouth with no care in the world. "Why?" I ask "Just sign them and stop being so difficult Louis." He flips out his phone from his pocket. "So you just expect me to sign something without knowing what it has in it with you as my manager? Yea try again dumb ass." I chuckle bitterly.

"I'm leaving for a bit, read over it even though it's no use unless you want your sweet little Haz to do it." He spits out as he leaves the horrid room, starting a call, as I start reading the contract.

-*-*-

Harry's POV

"Hey guys do you know where Louis is?" I ask the lads, worried as to where Louis could be. "Not really, I think I may have seen Simon take him somewhere but I'm not sure, why did something happen?" Liam asks. "I tried calling him like 20 times but he's not picking up, and after that night-" "What happened?" Liam Cuts me off as the rest of the boys come into the bus where we sat, still missing a soul from the band. "Whats up guys?" Zayn asks after seeing me and Liam's worried faces, "and where's lou, haven't him all day." I want to cry, Lou's not answering my phone, we had that discussion with Simon two days ago, it's the morning after the club. No one has seen him.

"I don't know where Lou is but Liam said he might be with Simon," I rushed out as I took out my phone, "I'll be right back" I say. I get out of the bus and find Simon in my contacts

-*-*-

"THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY ME OR HARRY WILL BE SIGNING THIS PIECE OF SHIT" I throw the papers across the room, I am absolutely livid. "Louis I am giving you a choice, either you sign it and do whatever it says in there, or Harry will do it." Simon says calmly. "No, I will not sign this shit." I'm so done with this man. He wants me stop dressing the way I do cause he claims its to 'Flamboyant', get a fucking beard for god sakes, and possibly break it off with Harry. No. Fucking. Way. He can suck his own cock for all care. "Louis either you sign this or the band is done." My heart drops, I don't want to sign it but I can't do that to the boys, we just got a career, he'll ruin us. "Wh-What?" I manage to stutter out. "I said you either sign this contract or the band is over. You have no choice, fucking sign it." I feel tears threatning to spill out of my eyes, fuck, I can't do that to my mates, but harry. "Can I p-please just get a second to think right now." I mumble out. "Whatever piece of shit." He leaves the room, I'm numb, but I'm crying, but I don't feel anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're liking it :)


	14. The contract (Past)

Harry POV

"Lou please pick up" I cried into my phone for the hundredth time.

He won't pick up. Messages, calls, anything, neither will Simon. He did something. I know it. After our night with him, he's not gonna let us go. He hates us.

Louis POV

I'm alone, a pen and papers waiting to be used in front of me. I take a deep breath, here it is. Our end of our happiness. I shakily lift my hand up and try to pick up the pen, only to drop it and be flooded with tears that seem to never stop. I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. I sob, i've never felt more pain in my chest. I can't breathe, all I want is to be held by my lover. Make love to him, hold his precious face in my hands and kiss all over it. Take his hands and show everyone what's mine. I want it so bad. But I can't. I'm doing this for the boys, for our careers.

I try again and pick up the pen, still sobbing, trying to find a solid breath in me but never succeeding. I go to the page where I would sign. This is it, we wanted a happily ever after but it ended before we could even start. I sob and lift the pen, with tears in my eyes I manage to sign the first line. I do the same for the other three pages. It's done, I can't go back. We're over. I sob and sob. Never ending tears and my heart shattered in millions of pieces.


	15. Why can't i say that I'm in love, I wanna shout it from the rooftops. (Past)

I jolted awake with the sound of the door opening, I didn't even realize I fell asleep. I've been crying on the couch hoping that Louis would come home, I run to the door and the second I see Louis I attack him with my arms around him. I pull away and start sobbing, "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN" more shouting, "IVE BEEN WORRIED SICK AND CRYING AN-AND-" "HARRY!" Louis pulls me into a hug with me still crying, but eventually I calm down and my sobs slowly become soft whimpers. "Where were you?" My voice cracks.

"Shhh babe, let's go upstairs, calm down, and i'll explain everything to you alright?" I nod. We go upstairs, I make Louis sit on the bed first, I go in next and curl up to him, just the way we like it. His back is on the headboard with my head on his chest, he rubs my back and we try to calm down. I look up to him, "Where were you, huh? I was calling and texting and leaving voicemails and you didn't reply so I came back home and cried on the couch ca-" Louis breaks my rambling with a kiss, it starts out passionate, but then he breaks into sobs. My heart nearly breaks. "L-Lou? What's wrong, love?" Seeing him like this breaks my heart.

I hold him while pressing soft kisses in his hair and murmuring sweet nonsense in his ear. "I-Im so s-sorry." He sobs, what is he talking about? "Why are you apologizing, love what happened?" I am so confused right now. He managed to finish his crying and sat up straight in front of me cross legged, me reflecting him. He takes my hands in his and he starts explaining. "I have to break up with yo-" "What!?" What the heck? He just came home crying and he blurted out he's breaking up with me? Oh god please don't be what i think it is. "I think you know why?" He whimpers in a high voice, almost like a question, and yea, I do, I do know. "But why?" I whisper, I'm exhausted, why can't we just be together, cause we're two guys? Cause we don't follow society's norms? Cause its somehow our fault that management is homophobic? I can't hold him in the street, or kiss him on the dance floor, when everyone can. "The only way we can make this work is if we keep behind closed doors." Louis starts.

"I ha-had to sign a contract, or else One direction would be finished. It's done. It was either our careers were ruined, or we are together and out. I can't do that to the boys, I couldn't" He sobs, leaning forward into my chest, "I'm so sorry, I want to hold you and kiss you whenever I want, I wish that it could be like that. But it cant, I'm so fucking sorry." I run my hand through his hair. "It's alright babe, well figure this out yea? We always will" He nods.


	16. Deja vu (Both)

That night, we promised to each other that no matter what, we would always stick together. We would never let management get the best of us, but who were we kidding. Management got the best of us the second he signed the contract. He promised that one day, we would be like Zayn and Gigi, or Liam and Maya, why couldn't we be like that? Well I guess it's obvious that Louis didn't really want that because of how things worked out. You're probably thinking what did Louis do? Yea, he was crying his eyes out the first time he signed the contract, but we were only in the honeymoon phase, cause he fell out of love. He broke me

He slowly faded away from my life, and one day, he proved to me that he didn't need me anymore. Yes, management probably had something to do with that, but they can only do so much right? They didn't do what he did. He broke me even more than them. The only person that was ever able to actually hurt me, both physically and emotionally, did exactly that.

_*_*_

(Past but in 2015-2016, im to lazy to specify it, and also the band is on 'hiatus')

Deja vu. It's what i'm feeling right now. Like that night when Simon took Louis to sign the contract, it's been 5 years since that night, it's just like that, except he's with Eleanor right now. For the past few weeks, he and his beard have been spending more time together, way more than usual and are a lot more comfortable with each other. Simon made Louis get a beard to try and stop the rumors, although it didn't work, our fans are way too smart for that.

Anyways they were supposed to spend the whole day together shopping and it's now 9 at night and I have no idea where Louis is. I've been looking on the internet for pap pics or any clue where Louis is but nothing. I ringed the boys and Simon, nothing. The boys are worried but Simon just laughed in my face and hung up. It was weird but whatever, I've gotten used to his annoying ass these past years. I pace back and forth in my living room, my hand going through my curls a lot more than usual. I cant even go out and look for him cause i'll be recognised and management won't be happy. I just go upstairs and text Louis and call him one last time before going to bed and trying to fall asleep.

But I can't, I need him in my arms, his smell, his vibrant personality that's dulled over the years, his blue eyes. Him. I need him. I'm worried, he's more distant and is even rejecting my kisses sometimes.

2 hours later

I'm sitting on the couch with my phone in my hand when I hear a knock on the door. I rush up and almost fall on my shoe and open the door expecting Louis in front of me, but instead get someone I never expected.

"Eleanor?"


	17. Don't let me go (Recent past)

"Eleanor?"

"Um hi harry, I uhh came to give you this." She reaches out and gives me a piece of paper. "What is this?" I ask, "and where's Lou?" god where is he.

"Just read it please, it'll explain everything." With that she turns around and leaves. I shut the door and open the letter.

_Hey h,_

_I honestly don't even know how im going to say this but first of all I will say Im sorry. Im sorry for everything, us having to hide, our tiny useless fights, managment always getting in the way..and im sorry for falling out of love._

_What we had was beautiful but it isn't meant to be. I think we were just to young and dumb to know what real love is. I do love you Harry, but im not **in** love with you. I will miss you, your giggle when I would kiss all over your face, how you have abs yet still somehow have love handles, which are gorguess I might add, how invested you are in cooking, how your little tounge sticks out when your consentrated on something...how you loved me._

_For the past few months I just feel like i've been pretending, like I have something missing in my life. I slowly learned that it wasn't a something, it's a someone._

_I love Eleonor_

_Please don't think this is some plan by managment, it's not._

_Im so sorry, I know how you always worried this would happened, you would try to bribe me with cuddles so I don't go with her and it worked once but I got kicked in the ass by Simon. Please do not take this personally, this isn't about you, it's me, as cliche as that sounds. I do love her with all I got but remember one thing, you will always, **always** be in my heart Harry Styles, and you will never leave._

_I just can't do this any more, I really hope you understand._

_From_

_Louis_

I slide down my door, my legs not being able to keep me up anymore, I sit down and just stare, at the picture of the two of us on the wall in front of me, his jacket on the side of the couch from when he thought it was his favorite one but wasn't so he changed it, our home, my home now. I just stare until I feel a tear run down my cheek my hands holding my face. He doesn't love me, he probably never did. My heart is wrenching, my throat feels like somethings been shoved up there, I can't breathe or think or do anything but feel. Feel my heartbreak, by eyes giving out never ending tears. I stand up, my legs shaking and fish out my phone from my pocket and call Louis.

He doesn't pick up, instead i get a message from him,

_Please don't make this harder than it is, goodbye harry._

I can't take it anymore, I can't breathe or think straight, I go into my kitchen with wobbly legs and get to the liquor cabinet. I try to open it but since its under the table a chair is blocking it and i just get frustrated so i kick it over. Breaking a vase off the table. I don't care. I just take the strongest liquor I have and chug it. I feel the burn go through my tongue down my throat. I stop for a second before taking it in my mouth again, not stopping till its finished, then I throw it somewhere and take another and do the same process. Over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Not me crying when I wrote this ✋😀
> 
> p.s. this is during the hiatus if it wasn't clear.
> 
> Also if I spelled Elounors name wrong like multiple times please excuse it I literally search it up and still forget. Another thing don't support her cause she's a racist😁 it has nothing to do with Larry. Anyways hope you liked these chapters and are still liking this.


	18. Intoxicated (Past)

Zayns Pov (Surpriseeee)

I've been calling Harry for the past two hours and neither has he or Louis picked up. I wanted to hang out with him at my house just for the sake of it but I'm worried now. I decided to go to his house and see what's up. I go to my room and put on a coat with a hood so I'm not seen so easily, grab my phone and wallet and head out

I get into my car and head over to the curly lads house.

When I get there I knock on his door but get no answer. I try for about two minutes until I call up Niall.

"Yellow" His thick accent comes through my ears, "Hey lad, its Zayn"

"Yea I know dimwit there's a caller ID for a reason." he laughs, leave it to Niall to make you feel like an idiot. "Shut up, Anyways, do you know if Haz keeps a spare key somewhere?" "Uh yea but why?" He asks. "I wanted to hang out with him but he's not answering my calls or the door, neither is Louis." I hear him chuckle on the line. " Mate you sure they're not doing you know stuff together?" God, I swear he's into the relationship more than the couple themselves, seriously I'm sure they would hear me knock and ring their doorbell for the past few minutes. "Just tell me where it is Nigel," I said trying not to crack up at the thought of it. "Okay okay, go to the gate on the side of the house and theirs a box over there, the code is 2882, Jesus they are so obsessed with that number." I go and look and it's there so I bid goodbye to Niall and thank him before hanging up and opening the door.

"Harry? Louis? Are any of you here?" I expected to hear silence but instead hear a pained groan from the kitchen. "Hello? Who is it?" I ask when I rush into the kitchen and see Harry all alone except for the presence of bottles of alcohol and a messy kitchen. I run over to Harry and try to wake him. "Harry? Wake up" he didn't even move so I called up Niall again in a hurry. "Whad up ze-" "GET TO HARRY"S RIGHT THE FUCK NOW" "Wha-why" "Just get here, now!" "Alright mate." He hangs up and I go get some water and spurt some on his face to try and wake him up. Nothing is working. In about 5 minutes Niall gets here and rushes over to Harry when he sees him. "What happened?!" "I don't know I think he got piss drunk or something but he's not waking up and Louis isn't here." "Uh okay, call the doctor and I'll call Louis." I nod and take out my phone, we have a doctor just for us celebrities so we don't have to go to the hospital for minor things and freak fans out.

Once that's done I pick Harry up and take him to his room. "He's not picking up!" Niall shreeks from downstairs. "What?" I shout back "Louis! He's not picking up." Niall explains "He wouldn't answer my calls either, call up Liam and tell him to come here." I say as I hear a knock on the door, Niall rushes to open it and in comes Doctor Ronaldo. I had already told most of what happened on the phone so he had come prepared.

_*_*_

The doctor couldn't do a lot except give him time to throw it all up cause it wasn't enough to need to pump his stomach. So we stayed with Harry while throwing it all up, the doctor gave him medication to keep his stomach in order and he was off, he also told us he probably wouldnt remember anything cause of how intoxicated he was but was thank full that he actually woke up. During everything Liam came and was more worried than all of us, he always has been the dad of the group. We still had no contact with Louis so Niall went out to look for him.

About an hour later Liam and I were on the couch calling Niall and such to see where Louis is when we heard a small voice come from the room Harry was sleeping in, "L-Lou?" His voice was so small I think I felt my heart break a bit. Liam and I walk into his room and when we see the boy trying to get up Liam runs over and pushes him back down gently. "Hey Haz, it's Liam, you need some rest." He says gently. "N-no L-Louis he did he l-leave?" Harry says, with tears in his eyes. I sit down on the bed next to him, "Look babe, Louis will be right around, now you get down and sleep a bit more okay? Ill go make some tea." I start getting up before Harry grabs my arm and sits me back down. "Louis left me, he doesn't like me anymore." He pouts. I think he was still a bit intoxicated from the alcohol, cause he's acting like a child.

I look up to Liam and he nods and leaves the room. He knows me and Harry are very close behind closed doors. I sit next to him and put my arm around his shoulders and he puts his head on my lap. "What happened bud? Why were you so drunk, and where's Louis?" I ask him, he seems more awake now but still a bit drowsy. "Louis doesnt l-love me anymore." He repeats. "What do you mean?" "He sent that girl, I can't remember her name r-right now, and g-gave me a letter, g-go to the d-door, it sh-ould be there." He explains, I can see a tear fall from his cheek so I wipe it and kiss his forehead, we've always been a touchy friendship, it did bring problems with Louis jealousy at times, but in the end Louis knew how cuddly Harry was. "Let's not worry about that right now, how 'bout you go to sleep a bit longer then we'll talk." He nods and rests his head on my thighs and cuddles into my arm. When I know he's asleep I gently replace myself with a pillow and go out to find Liam.


	19. The one who got all the girls just wanted the boy (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warning, self harm*

That pain, the pain i felt that night, is a pain that I will never forget, It's a pain that never fades away. People say that the solution for heartbreak is time right? I guess it's a bit true, except that it didn't get better, the pain never lessened, I just learned how to numb it better, how to hide it better.

When I slid down that door, my eyes filled with tears that stained my face forever, my heart broke so badly I could feel it break down inside me. It wasn't just emotional pain at that point, it hurt me so much it turned into physical pain, or that's what i made it into. That's what I do to numb the emotions now, turn the mental pain into physical pain.

I used to do this before x-factor. But there was someone that helped me through it. I trusted him so much I let him see them, I let him kiss each and one of my scars, let him touch them, let him check everyday to see if there was more added. I trusted him with my deepest darkest secrets.

I'm in the bathroom, on the floor, blood dripping down my leg. I get a towel and wet it a bit, wincing when I run it over my scars. I used to do it on my wrist, now I do it on my hips so that no one sees. I live alone, obviously, so I can do it as much as I need to without anyone questioning why I go to the bathroom so often.

Honestly what has my life become? I used to be a smiley 16 year old with never ending dimples and the curliest hair ever seen. I wasn't ever putting on an act, every smile was true. Now it's rare for me to have a genuine smile, it's not just what happened in the past, it's everything today, being in a glass closet, I get sexualized and labeled as a womanizer wherever I go, people think i'm dating every girl im seen with even though i've told them im unlabeled, I cant wear what i want without someone bashing me on social media and my management doesnt let me do something about it cause im supposed to be "civil". Really? I have to be Civil? Do they know how many people look up to me? How many people started loving themselves for who they are and expressing themselves with no regrets.

That's who i used to be, for just a little bit. My management tricked me, when One direction finished. They knew what I wanted, instead they fooled me into thinking i'll be out and proud. Instead i'm in a fucking glass closet. I used to love who I am, be proud, have no regrets. Now i just hate it, I hate that i was torn apart from my one and only, I hate that I cant just go out and wear a fucking dress without someone calling me gay. I hate that I can't be normal and love a girl like I love that boy. 

I got all the girls, but I just wanted the boy


	20. He didn't come back did he? (Past)

Louis POV

"There, I did it, I fucking did it. He's out of my life now for good. Are you happy now?!"

"Actually yes Louis, I am quite happy. You'll be okay its not like you guys actually love-"

"J-Just Shut Up, I've had enough, I'm leaving." I get up from Simon's office trying my hardest not to just drop and start crying. I get into my car and just sit there. Then I just feel a surge of anger run through me.

"FUCK." I scream, "It can't be over It can't be over It can't be over." I mumble out, finally letting myself cry.

"I'm so sorry baby, I failed us..."

_*_*_

After about an hour of just sitting in my car, not trusting myself to drive, I pull out my phone and widen my eyes at the text and messages I've gotten. I see the most from Niall. I call him and starts screaming at me when I pick up "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HARRY? AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

"Niall, it's over, I'm living in a hotel for a couple of days and getting my own house. Look at the letter, it will explain everything. Bye now." I manage to get out and hang up before I hear what Niall has to say.

I finally manage to drive out, a knot in my throat and unshed tears forming in my eyes but I swallow the lump, wipe away the tears, and head to a hotel.

_*_*_

Harry's POV

I wake up in my bed feeling like shit, I have no idea what happen and it pains me to even move. I look to my right and jump seeing Zayn sleeping in a chair in our, no my, bedroom. It's weird cause I just don't feel anything, I thought i'd be crying non stop but I just feel..nothing.

"Z?" I whisper out, but he's a deep sleeper so it didn't wake him up. "Z-zayn?" I call out again, this time louder and he finally jolts awake. "Hey babes, how are you feeling?" He walks on my side of the bed, I totally ignore his question though, "He didn't come back did he?"

I see Zayn shake his head lightly with a sigh, "I um, I saw the letter." He murmurs out, i nod, "Fuck I'm so sorry H i don't know why that dickhead would do something like that, he loves you, I know he does maybe manag-" I cut him off, "He said what he said in the letter, he doesn't love me anymore Z, It wasn't management." "Bu-" "I don't wanna talk about it," he nods "what um, what happened to me? I remember the letter thing and a bit of vomiting but the rest is just a blur" I whisper out cause it still hurts my body to move a lot. He sits on the bed and helps me sit up on the pillows and starts explaining how I was passed out drunk, Niall and Liam going out to find him, vomiting like it's nobody's business, and here we are the next morning.

"What are you gonna do H?" He questions, "What do you mean? He's out of my life now, the band is probably over forever, even if we do come back your not gonna be ther-, so I don't fucking know." A tear slips out of my eyes and I feel Zayn wipe it away. "Look the band might be over and even though I did leave it you will always have me okay?" I nod "So do you want to face him?" I shook my head which was probably a mistake cause I felt dizzy right away.

"How are you taking this so well?" He finally blurts out with a sigh, the way he says it tells me he wanted to ask this way before, and the answer? I don't even know, I'm the most emotional person ever, so how am I not literally drowning in tears right now? "I don't know, I guess I kinda saw something was different you know? Like I almost expected this to happen, you know that we had a bit of a toxic relationship but that was kinda expected because of the environment we were in but I know I still love him and I think that maybe this was one of the bigger small breakups you know? Like how we would just hate each other for a day or two and finally make up for like a month or two until it happened again. I think I still think he will come back to be honest..." He nods

"Are you hungry?" he asks randomly, now that i think of it, i'm starving. I nod and he goes out to get me something light to eat while I just sit there, staring into space. I manage to get to my phone from the bedside table and go into my pictures and start scrolling. This is one of my favorite things to do when I'm not feeling great. I scroll through the endless pictures of me and Louis. Some with him kissing my cheek, kissing my lips, us cuddling, me on his back clumsily, him on my back perfectly. I loved our size difference but at the same time hated it. I kinda wished I was the smaller one cause most of the time I'm the smaller spoon and loved to be engulfed in his arms, which is quite hard to do for a big spoon that's barely 5'7 and a 6'0 foot tall little spoon, but we made it work, we always did.

Before I realized it, I was tearing up, we had been through so much together, and he just dropped us? Just like that. The real reason this isn't so hard on me is because I'm still processing it. How could he just do that? And it was so out of the blue.

I spend a few more minutes scrolling with a few tears until I hear a knock on my door and its opening. Zayn comes in with a plate of some type of soup and places it on the bedside table then leaves right after he wipes my tears away and gives me a reassuring smile with a kiss to my forehead.

I am so thankful for friends like the boys, they know me so well. Even when Zayn left, even when the band went on hiatus, we are still the same. Quite honestly, I'd say these 5 boys know me better than I know myself, and vice versa.

I just hope that these 5 boys don't turn into 4, that I don't lose the love of my life...


	21. I was wrong (Present)

Harry's POV

We might have had a bit of toxinity in our relationship, making each other as jelous as we could, getting into little useless fights that led to makeup sex, always using distractions to get through our problems instead of talking, but in the end, I knew we did love eachother, he might have fallen out of love, but I know he loved me at some point. I could see it in his eyes, the way he looked at me like I was the only person in his life that he actually cared about. They say it's better to have loved than lost it, than to never have experienced love at all, that's what i got. I got love and lost it, but at least I know what it is.

We had to hide our love, that was the hardest thing for us.

How many times did Louis reach for my hand but ended up yanking it back. How many times did I just want to lean in and kiss him when we got an award, or just cause I was feeling cuddly. How many times did we both have to see girls hitting on us continuously and having no reason than 'I'm not looking for a relationship right now' for why we said no. How many times we just wanted to be free, and show how much we actually loved each other. The amount for all of these, is endless.

I know he doesn't love Eleonor like he did me, he's in love of the idea of her. The perfect relationship, having nothing to hide. Although after all these years he may have formed a love for her, but not as much as he loved me...Right?

Well that's what i thought, I really did believe for these 4 years that we could be something again, that we would somehow find our way back to each other. But like always..I was wrong.


	22. The news (Present)

Please read the authors note at the end. It is very important and I need everybody to take a glance at it please. Thank you!

_*_*_

"Hey haz." I hear an Irish accent. "Hey Nialler, what's up? The text sounded urgent." I was on my phone after my daily cutting when I saw a text from Niall, 'We need to talk', and now here we are on a call.

"Mate, have you been on social media? Like twitter or something?" He questions slowly. "No, I'm taking a break from socials right now, why, what happened?"

"Just um, go look for me, and just know I'm always here for you okay?" "Niall what is wrong?" "Just check haz, you'll get your answer." Is what he says before hanging up. I sigh and change apps, logging on to twitter. I've already had a bad enough day with a panic attack cause I couldn't find my blades so what could possibly be so important.

I finish logging in and a bunch of notifications pop up, ones that i will never be ready to see.

'Former One Direction Star Louis Tomlinson confirms tying the knot to his 10 year girlfriend Elounor Calder and rumors say there is a pregnancy involved' click here for more information.

No, no, no, no it can't be real, all these years I thought he would come back. I feel my heart rate rising, my breath shortening, my palms sweating. He promised, he fucking promised. I waited for him, for 9 fucking years and this is what I get.

Before I realize I'm opening my alcohol cabinet, I've been drinking a lot more lately. I take a swig but I don't feel anything. Then that's when it happens.

I reach deep into my cabinet and take out a packet with white powder. I use this when I really need it, and this is the time. I lay some on the table and sniff it in, once, a swig of alcohol, same process, again, and again, and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will contain be the suicide chapter, i'm sorry to kinda spoil but you knew it would be happening sooner or later, it contains cutting and pills and can be very triggering to people so if that stuff triggers you. PLEASE DO NOT READ.   
> I know this might seem kinda stupid to some people but I once didn't listen to the warnings and read a chapter like it and I had a panic attack and it almost lead to relapse in my self-harm. So please please be careful.


	23. The ending.

I'm supposed to feel nothing, but I can still feel the pain, the fucking drugs did nothing. I just want it to end. And that's exactly what I'm doing tonight. I cant fucking do this anymore. Years. Years I waited for him to show up on my front door, to hold me, wipe away my tears, kiss my scars. I just want him to put a little love on me. A little was all I needed to stop me today, but I got nothing.

I know I can't leave without saying my final words to everyone. I stumble into my office and get some paper and a pen. Then I go to my bedroom.

I write and write, pouring my heart out. Everything, to my mom, Gemma, Niall, Zayn, Liam, Him, and his fiance.I don't even feel sad, I just feel relieved knowing it's all gonna end. That today is the last day of my pain. After today I won't exist, I'll go up to all my late family, and if I get lucky I'll be reunited with him when he gets there to me.

It's time. I carefully fold the letters and write the names of the owner of the letter on them and go downstairs. I go to a cabinet and pull out a pill box of painkillers and some water. I bring my blades and set them on my bed. I start, putting 5 pills in my hand and swallowing them down with water, then I add a fresh new cut to my arm, not my thighs, over my anchor tattoo. I put another dose of 5 pills, and slit the other arm carefully. I finally feel it, I'm slowly fading away. I'm getting impatient and adding 10 pills and more slits. Until i'm on my last dose of 5 and finally push a cut deep enough to go through that one nerve that will end it all.

I slowly feel my body involuntarily let go of my body and close my eyes, as I hoarsely whisper out what I believe will be my final words.

"I love you boo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Im literally so sorry-


	24. Id be coming right back home to you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs: If you love her: Forest Blakk, Girl Crush: Harry Styles cover.

Nialls POV

"Come on Haz pick up" I murmured to myself. After I called Harry about the engagement I waited for him to call me back but it never came. Im worried. I call up the person that caused all of this

"Hello? Louis"

"Hey..."

"Why'd you do it?"

"I had no fucking choice, I cant stop thinking about him." He whispers out to me.

"Then go get him, what are you doing sitting around, go get your love."

"Okay, i'm going right now."

Little did they know, it was too late.

_*_*_

Louis POV

I'm here to get what's mine. I waited too long but I'm done waiting. I need him. I knock on the door, It's the address Niall gave me, I don't get an answer so I go to the hidden key Niall told me about and head inside.

"H-harry? Are you here?"

I get no answer so I thought that he might be sleeping, so I head into the bedroom that I believe is the master bedroom. I slowly open the door and the second I see the sight in front of me, my heart drops

"HARRY." I rush over to his bloody body lying peacefully on the bed. I call 911 and Niall. "NIALL PLEASE COME QUICK PLEASE I'M SO SCARED." "HARRY PLEASE WAKE UP PLEASE." It's no use. I throw my phone and grab his face. "Baby please get up, i'm so sorry, don't fucking leave me. My mom left then fizzy you can't leave me too please harry." I sob out, I stuff my face into his chest and smell drugs and alcohol. I hear sirens and the ambulance is here. They rush in and one person checks his pulse. "Please tell me he's alive please." I whisper out. "I um, i'm sorry." With that they went out the room. "No no no no it cant be no he cant be gone HARRY FUCKING WAKE UP you can't be gone please love." I sob out into his chest.

"LOUIS WHAT HAPPENED?" He rushes into the room and stops as soon as he sees me. "H-he's gone, he left us." "No no no he couldn't have no." He rushes to us both "Harry..." I sob into him and so does Niall until he points a finger at me. "You, its all your fucking fault, you did this to him." All I could do was cry and agree, this is all my fault.

"He cant be gone, he cant I need him I fucki- Harry I need you, please come back i can't live knowing you aren't here please. I lost everyone, my mum, my sister, my best friend I can't lose you to please come back..."

_*_*_

The ambulance took him away, I couldn't get up, this is all my fault. I notice letters on the bedside table, many of them, then I notice one with Els name on it. I pick it up and open it,

_Hey el,_

_I have to say a few things. Take care of him for me, please. He's all i've ever wanted and who am I to say anything if he chooses you. I know him. I know how much he loves to cuddle, I know that he has a hard time falling asleep at night so he sleeps a lot during the day, he likes pop songs and dancing, even though he'd never admit it. He loves love notes and babies, and likes giving gifts. Has a hard time accepting a good compliment. He loves all of his family and friends, and now you. So if you're really the one he lets in. Take it, if he gives you his heart don't you break it, let your arms be a place he feels safe in. He's the best thing that you'll ever have._

_He'll love you if you love him._ _On days when It feels like the whole world might cave in, stand side by side and you'll make it. He's the best thing i've ever had. Now he's yours, so love him and he'll love you._

_Kiss him with passion, as much as you can. Run your hands through his hair whenever she's sad, and when he doesn't notice how beautiful he is, tell him over and over, so he never forgets._

_Just please love him, love him to the amount i did and still do cause i don't want you to lose him like I did. I don't matter anymore. You have him now, don't ever let him leave from your hands. You know why? Cause it hurts, it fucking hurts. He came into my life 10 years ago, we had our first flirt, our first kiss, our first cuddle, our first time and every single time I fell in love with him all over again. Now all I have left is a cupboard full of his clothes since the day he left me with that stupid fucking letter._

_Promise me one thing. That he doesn't ever blame himself for what I'm about to do, that he never thinks this is his fault cause it's not. He fell in love with you and that is nothing I can ever control. He is my one and only but I'm not his and that's okay. I just can't be here anymore knowing that you have a ring on your finger that was put on by him, knowing that my smallest chance of ever getting him back is finally over._

_Just keep him happy for me okay? Its all I ask of you._

_Your dear friend_

_Harry._

After all the pain I gave him, all he want is for me to be happy. I see a letter with my name on it and pick it up.

_Hey Louis, Lou, Boo, anything and everything I've called you over the years,_

_Its funny innit, you ended us with a letter and now I end myself with a letter. If you're reading this, I'm sure you know what I did. And I feel selfish thinking you care but you do care for me a little bit right? Just please lie if you don't cause that's just embarrassing. But I don't care if you don't love me, cause I loved you more than my life itself. I waited and waited and waited. What do you think i was doing all these years huh? Do you think I actually dated all those girls that everyone says I have? No, I was here, crying myself to sleep every night. You know why?_

_Cause I got a stupid girl crush, I hate to admit it but I get a heart rush when I see you, I want everything she has. Her smile, her laugh that she gives you everyday. I want to taste her lips. Why? Cause they taste like you, I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume. I want her long brown hair, I want her magic touch. Cause maybe then you'd want me again_

_I love you. I fucking love you so much it hurts me. From the day I accidentally peed on you from the day you gave me that one letter to today. I loved you the second I met you and until my dying day. Do you feel that way about her? Do you ever just want to kill yourself cause you love her so much? Do you ever just think about her for hours and dream about her at night? Do you think about marrying her? I guess you did because now you're engaged. Wow, the second person engaged in the band, not bad. Although I always thought we'd be the first to get married. Guess it just never came up._

_Louis I want you to be happy, I don't know if you loved me like I do but I do know this will affect you, and that you will blame yourself for it. But don't, it's all me love. I did it all._

_I just have a few last wishes, please fulfill them. Get these letters to their respective owners in person, go hug the shit out of my mum and Gemma, go and make up with Zayn, I know you wanna do it but no one ever pushed you so go love, do it when you give his letter. Don't wear black at my funeral, I'm a colorful man and I deserve some flair at my last event. The last one is to be happy for me and love your beautiful fiance. Give her the love you gave me in those five years. I hope she buys you flowers, I hope she holds your hand, gives you all her hours, takes you to every party, cause I always remember how much you love to dance. Do all the things we could have done, When I was your man and you were mine._

_Love, yours only and forever yours,_

_Haz._

I put the letter to my face and kissed his writing then put the letter to my chest, hugging it "I was always yours Harry why did you leave. I don't love her. Please come back. Please."

But he never did and never will. No many how many times Louis pleaded for the love of his life to come back, no matter how loud he screamed for him, no matter how much pain he went through. He will never come back.

After the passing of Harry styles, their management laid Louis off, everything was over, the stunts and the beards, it was all gone. Funny how it took a suicide for them to open their eyes. Louis had everything the two of them wanted, but it all happened because Harry left. And the letter, the fucking letter, he didn't see it at first, but then he turned it over at the funeral of his late lover and saw that dainty hand writing of his last words recorded.

_If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you, Lou._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The end...
> 
> Honestly this chapter hurt me a lot more than to write the actual suicide chapter. 
> 
> Now I want to thank you all for reading this. It was probably shit but whatever. I thought about this idea when I was in a very dark time and writing this really helped me so thank you all. I am sad that I have finished this but now I can start new ones and I have many ideas.
> 
> So anyways Thank you for all the love and I will be back writing soon enough.
> 
> I Love you all and tpwk :)

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not take this work and upload it anywhere else, I have a wattpad account so please read it at cashuismydog if you prefer that, this is my work and I do not give anyone permission to post this anywhere else :)


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